For even the dead have more impact on our world than we do.

I surrender. I concede defeat. I accept. Give me my sweet relief.

Blind me – I want my eyes to stop seeing… pull out my ear drums, so I stop hearing… cut the blood supply to my head, so my brain stops thinking and finally, stop my heart from beating. I don’t want to feel anything anymore.

Not that I see anyway. Not through the darkness. Not through the tears. We don’t hear anything through the firing and the bombs across the street. It is so bad now, I can’t think, let alone think straight. What is there to say? The longer my heart is beating, the longer I don’t feel this pain and it is the not feeling now that hurts.

More than the bombs, more than the bullet wounds, more than the loss of life and loved ones, more than the grief, more than the price of being able to see what goes in our world – more than anything in this godforsaken world it is how immune I am that hurts. How accustomed I have become and how adamant I am that my life must ensue regardless.

If you are lucky (what luck this is) – death has become the sugar in your tea and the butter on your bread, but for most people there is no tea and there is no bread. There is no air in their breath. How will they start a revolution when they do not even have the well being to blink? The strength to sigh? Let alone the energy to bring upon our world the equivalent of a human eclipse?

How much more love and light must I give? The politicians pocket it. The army generals sell it. The mullahs twist it. The war gangs kill it. What little is left for the civilians – the majority of us don’t believe in and so we destroy it with our anger, with our ignorance, with our judgment, with our lack of compassion and tolerance towards each other.

It’s like my heart has become this dead, lead weight that I just carry around with me. It renders me. It disables me. It is killing me slowly, it is killing you slowly, it is killing our world slowly… Just how apathetic am I?

How blind I am…how deaf I am… how silent I am. How dumb I am. How senseless I am. How still I am… in life and not in death. 

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