You don’t feel heartbreak by hurling yourself against the wall in a fit of tears or by throwing yourself on the floor from exhaustion of the worry and pain…
It comes to you in the most mundane moments, where even making a cup of tea makes you question how you’re functioning. Because you forget for a few moments why you’re standing there, why that cup is in your hand and why you’re dipping the tea bag in and out like a shadow pantomime – thinking I’m going to be fine.
You feel it in the breakdown – but how often can you afford to breakdown? You want to break down day in and day out, at work, at play, in social situations between glasses of wine and polite conversation… but it is not a luxury mere mortals have. In truth running away and disappearing costs more money and time than we actually have, so you preoccupy yourself with notion of it, the idea of it, just like you continue to convince yourself you’ll be fine.
Maybe you’ll even look up train routes at work, in between writing your blog on the sly and writing about politics and how everyone but you has lost their mind. You become dyslexic, you even forget things like left and right and how to write down telephone numbers for your boss and drink tea believing as the British do, it will make everything fine.
Blame it on lack of sleep, lack of food – the fact that you’re a cold hearted lowlife – take everything in your stride but yourself, forget yourself in the guilt and that fact that you are un-fairest of them all. Write post-its and think about the post-its all over your memories, the tags, the truth on bright yellow little pieces of paper, put up everywhere to remind you why this is the right decision, and eventually everyone will be fine.
But will you? Will you be fine and what if you’re not and what if finding out whether the grass really is greener or not on the other side takes more of you think you needed to give in the first place? So what if it’s not – that’s fine.
Come back to the tea, to stop stirring the teaspoon, there isn’t enough sugar and milk in the world – and walk away back to square one, thinking when will it all be fine again?