It took a long time before I was ready to face the well overdue MRI for my lower back and pelvis. After an injury last year, later exasperated by a poorly thought out camel pose during Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown, I was left with the lumbar spinal movement of snake without it’s slither.
My journey with yoga began at the age of 16, what desi girl didn’t want to be Ashwairya Rai from Taal, gracefully moving into extensions and what not on Indian landscapes?
Back home on the Isle of Man, yoga was different all together, sucked into the yoga fad spurred by Geri Halliwell’s abs in that video ‘It’s Raining Men.’ My friends and I would boast about our crows and splits, caring only about getting into postures, pushing our bodies before they were ready.
We did our breathing through glossy lips but none of us had any awareness of the inner self or any real understanding of our form. We followed the videos (yes, videos!) purchased from HMV and quickly moved unnessecarily into advanced poses and bragged about it over our Diet Cokes at the lunch table.
My attitude then, was perhaps the anti-“om” to the central message of yoga. Yoga, as I understand it now, in my own words, is not about ambition and showing off but to accept yourself as you are in the posture at any given moment and to be patient, because everything you seek [in that posture] will come to you in time. This beautiful lesson has been fully realised at the studio I currently practice in, The Yoga Sanctuary.
Ten years ago, I had zero patience, I had twenty things I needed to do after my workout and I just wanted to touch my toes in every posture. That was how I insisted on excelling at yoga, thinking the only way was to be as bendy as possible. I had all the flexibility and no strength and without any real assessment of the harm that was being done, over time; yoga was taking its toll on my spine rather than helping it.
In the intervening years, amidst lessons in gym studios and sun salutations at home to burn off that extra slice of pizza, I knew, on some level I was going about yoga all wrong. I only really paid any heed to it when I experienced yoga at the hands of a teacher in Karachi, Pakistan, who begged me not to push my body so hard and told me that when one experiences yoga truthfully, it is like prayer.
From 2011 to 2013 for the most part I practiced yoga by myself, for maybe twenty minutes a day, only doing what I enjoyed. Without the ambition I imposed on myself in classes, I learned to relax, focused on yoga meditation and gentle stretching. Last year, in February, I was hurt in an accident when pushed against a window, which is perhaps what triggered the further deterioration of my lumber spine over the course of 2013 as an injury to my left hip caused it to move out of alignment putting pressure on my lower back. Yet this all was still unknown to me.
I did a webisode of Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown and one backward bend too far which left me with a harrowing lower left back ache for over a year. It finally got to a point where I couldn’t even bend down to pick up grocery bags and was in pain even when laying down. Needless to say, my yoga mat began to gather some much needed dust.
Earlier this year, I ended up at The Yoga Show where I came across a booth for Rosedale Wellness Centre, who were doing posture alignment checks for free. The lovely lady at the booth told me I had the spine of an old woman at the tail end of her life at the tender age of 29. With my 30th birthday around the corner, enough was enough. I began to educate myself on the spine, how yoga could help me (if I practiced it safely), and the importance of posture (something I used to once think was only important in terms of of elocution and etiquette).
At the Rosedale Wellenss Centre in the healing hands of Dr. Aliya Salayeva, I finally began to find relief from the pain through a practice known as Functional Chiro. Bolstered with renewed strength I summoned the courage to allow my inner yogi to find release once again in the form of restorative yoga at The Yoga Sanctuary. After a long and grueling relationship with myself, I feel I have finally found a safe place to let my inner yogi realise her true potential, without ambition or fear of judgment whilst healing the aches and pains in my mind, body and soul. The teachers I have come into contact with at The Yoga Santuary these past few weeks have enabled me to practice something I love safely.
I abused my privilege to practice and have suffered for it but yoga alerted my attention to the gnawing issue in my back. Had it not been for that disastrous camel pose, I probably would have continued to slowly damage my back. I am grateful for the awareness it has given me over time. These days I am further from my toes than when I started and it is a humbling experience, to know there is such a long way to go. In class, a couple of weeks ago, one teacher, so beautifully said (not in these words exactly, but this is how I remember it); the goal is to reach the end position in a posture, but then what? Whatever it is, look forward to it and nourish your spine, it holds in essence, the fountain of your youth.